Thorns, Birthdays, and Honesty

Thorns:

OK, I’m a little sick of having the “thorn thing” in common with Paul!  You know how he prayed and prayed to have the thorn removed from his side and for reasons we were never privileged to hear  (nor do I think was Paul), they continued to haunt him.

Well, that’s my life right now.  The THORN IS BACK, only at a slightly different angle and perhaps not as big as it has felt in the past.   Yet it continues to fester, using my emotional reserves to dig deep into my bag of ‘coping skills’.  One of my biggest problems is the injustice of it all!  AGAIN!  I mean AGAIN Lord!  This is downright unfair, Lord.  WHY?

If it sounds like I’m whining, I guess I am – maybe not such a good coping strategy!  But there you have it!

Birthdays:

Yesterday was my birthday.  I had a wonderful lunch with my husband, son, and daughter-in-law, received lovely cards, phone calls, e-mails and texts (yes, times they are a changing!) – I knew I was dearly loved and celebrated.  But you can probably guess where I am going with this – the THORN trumped everything else.  As hard as I tried to ignore it and dab it with a bit of healing ointment, it was just not to be – even on my birthday.  So by the end of the day, along with the festering thorn, I was beating myself up pretty badly for not being able to rise above it all!

Honesty:

Later in the evening, two friends phoned to ask about my day and I decided to give an honest response.  I told them I blew it!  I gave my power to a thorn instead of celebrating my life and all the wonderful, caring, loving friends and family with whom I am blessed.  As I spoke, I literally felt my body start to relax.  I began to have compassion for ME, as my friends enfolded me with their love and compassion!  Yes, this is another rough patch, but it needn’t define who I am – or my birthday!

My very dear friend, who is on vacation this week, lovingly ‘listened’ via email (because she too asked and pretending just doesn’t work between us – even if we are out of town!!!)   I will close with her thoughts:  “So try not to let the thorn have the day AFTER your birthday too.  Happy Day After Your Birthday!”

Today’s a new day; I hope to celebrate newfound freedom from the THORN. I must remember "One day at a time" - or - "One hour at a time", whichever works best!!  However today turns out,   I know I'm being held in love and prayers - and that is cause to give thanks!

Remembering...one year later

     

Their Eyes

I look into their eyes,

and see my life.

I look into their eyes,

and  sense  the bond.

The need for love,

given and received.

Devotion to another,

unconditionally offered.

The subtle loneliness,

lurking beneath the layers.

Yearning for approval,

acceptance freely given.

The joy of closeness,

 tenderness of touch.

Safety of surrender,

in a loved one’s embrace.

The longing of the heart,

when  engulfed by separation.

Relief at the vision,

of a companion’s return.

The mourning of loss,

when eyes no longer meet.

Yet sweet remembrance

of souls connected forever.

I look into their eyes,

and see my life.

I look into their eyes,

and sense the bond.

Carol Wawrychuk

August 21, 2011

Acceptance

Today I was in a conversation with two women, each of whom is dealing with a loved one’s decline into Alzheimer’s disease.  The pain was clearly visible as they shared their stories, not only for their relative suffering from this disease, but also for the family members learning how to cope. 

Alzheimer’s is a hideous illness, ensnaring everyone in its circle.  I know all too well, as this was my mother’s battle for four years prior to her death, which was ten years ago this September.  Therefore, my mind was easily taken back to the memories of the journey mother and I walked together.  Oddly enough it did not bring sadness, but gratefulness, as I recalled the peace and joy we ultimately shared.

I wanted to give these women some small sense of hope on this daunting road in which they find themselves.  As I recalled my frustration, anger, and fear upon hearing of mother’s diagnosis, I realized the key to moving through my resistance was acceptance.  Bargaining with God (actually railing at God!), pleading with doctors for a miracle medication, wanting mother to look like her "old self" after a trip to the beauty salon, etc. – none of that helped; not me or my mother!  It wasn’t until I let go, gave in, accepted and said, “OK Lord, I guess this is the way it is and I totally give this to You, because I have no idea what to do!”  That was the beginning of peace!

Acceptance, isn’t that just the key needed for most everything?  Why do I hesitate to pick it up?  Perhaps I’m afraid of the room on the other side of the door the key unlocks.  I think there might be a few areas in my life where that acceptance key has grown rusty.  Today was a reminder, it’s time to clean it off and see what it opens!

Dense With the Spirit of God

Last night was the final evening of “Seekers On The Way”, our gathering of community listening to God for and with one another; and it had been the one of those days!  The “committee” was in session, spreading gossip throughout the fertile grounds of my mind. 

·      “Who do you think you are, Carol?”

·     “What do you know about anything spiritual, you haven’t even read the entire bible!  Heck, you’re lucky if you can guess in which testament to find a certain book!”

·      “Who’s going to come to “Seekers” the day after the 4^th of July?”

You get the idea; on and on it went, as each committee member expressed their opinion on my lack of qualifications! 

And then He showed up.

As I watched the chairs fill in our larger circle, I whispered a silent prayer of thanks.  It seems God is bigger than tiredness that comes the day after a holiday.

While reading the poem and scripture selected for the evening, the Presence was palpable.  In the silence during the lectio, I heard His voice; “Carol, you don’t have to be a bible scholar.  I can use you just as you are.”

But it was during the small group, that the Holy Spirit could be felt weaving in and out of each person’s experience.  It is perhaps futile to attempt attaching words to moments such as these, but I like to call them the “beyond times”.

As we were cleaning up at the conclusion of the evening, I was hugging a friend and said, “Tonight was one of those times when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there IS a God.  He showed up, didn’t he?” 

And her very astute response; “Tonight was dense with the Spirit of God.”

Oh yes, my committee adjourned!